Category Archives: Philosophy

Victims, Whiners and Lies…

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keep-calm-and-stop-your-whinin  In the spirit of true confessions, I’ve noticed in myself lately a propensity to engage in an endless stream of whining and complaining.  I’m complaining about this coach and that player (I know…first world problems); what my boss thinks; what my company does; what my staff didn’t do; what people did or didn’t do according to what they said they would do etc., etc., etc. As we often say as a family insider joke, “Bitch and moan, bitch and moan, whine, whine, whine!”  :-) While in that moment of time whining and complaining seems to make me feel better, at the end of the day it doesn’t change a blessed thing.  It seems to serve only as a rehearsal of all of the things in the world that didn’t go as I thought they should go, because after all, I am the supreme ruler of the universe, right?

Where did we ever get this notion that all of life should fit into our tidy, little plans and that any deviation from those plans represents a “slap in our spoiled, little faces?”  It seems to be a condition that is fairly unique to Americans.  We are so used to our high standard of living and ease of access to many of the comforts in life that we seem to forget that life really doesn’t work that way.  I mean come on, we have to make ourselves stop eating; the temperature has to be between 70-72 degrees; we sit in artificially lit homes typing on computers and God help us if the Internet goes out.  (Again…first world problems) And while I’m so grateful to God that we get to live the way we do, I still can’t help but recognize an unrealistic slant in our expectations.

Real life, much like every good story that was ever written, has a protagonist and an antagonist.  One is working for the good and one is opposing the good.  Our great God never, ever promised that life would be completely free of struggles.  Where on earth did we get that idea?  For every good you encounter there is an opposing force that is either trying to take away your good or bring some bad to counteract the good.  Now that doesn’t mean, as many philosophers report, that you have to accept the bad or get along with the bad or embrace the bad, no, not at all!  But it does mean that you have to take life as it is.  What is, is and whining about it doesn’t change a thing, except you…

Have you ever met someone who sees themselves as a victim?  (Well, if we are honest, all of us have been victimized at one time or another.  Helloooo, there is an opposing force working against us!)  The victim is not just one that has been hurt in life, but is one that would rather carry that “past” hurt into every current situation.  I recently watched an Oprah Life Class about men that didn’t grow up with their father.  It was very sad and very touching, for sure.  But one thing they had in common were the stories they kept telling themselves about how life would have been or who they would have been if their father was around…  Those stories were really just fantasies they kept telling themselves in light of the hurt they received when Pops left.  Iyanla aptly pointed out that their romantic notions about daddy were just stories and that they had no real way to know how things would have been.  What they were doing unknowingly was participating in life as a victim.  A victim, by nature, has no say about how life turns out.  After all, how could they after such and such happened?  Here is a reality check ~ your life is what it is, right now in this moment.  And, the only one carrying that hurt and pain into your present life is you (and me)!  Being a victim, like being a whiner only serves to keep you held down in bondage ~ as if you have no say about how your life turns out.  If that opposing force hurt you bad in the past (and that’s not to minimize the hurt you felt) ~ then allowing it to remain in your mind today is just as if it is happening all over again.  And we wonder why we can still be frustrated in life despite all of our creature comforts?

God has designed life to be glorious and wonderful and ripe with victory, but never said you wouldn’t have any struggles.  He doesn’t provide those struggles (God I wish people would stop saying that) but He will always provide a solution to those struggles if you are willing to hear Him!  You see once we start complaining, we stop moving forward towards the solution!  And related, if we have adopted a “victim” mindset, we are, for all intents and purposes, stuck back thereeeee…  A better approach to life would be to accept the reality that things don’t always go how we planned and to either make a back up plan or at minimum be willing to change course as the obstacles happen.  Our destination shouldn’t change, but we have to at least be willing to take a different course.  Why keep banging our heads on a door that won’t open when we can take a step back, think, and find another door?

In the Dale Carnegie courses I taught, the first rule was to “never criticize, condemn or complain (the three golden C’s)!  (Yeah, I forgot that!)  Complaining, whining and playing the victim simply means that we have bought the lie ~ the lie being that there is nothing we can do about the situation.  With God behind us, there is always something we can do about the situation.  You and I are only in charge of one life, ours…  Make the decision today to stop complaining (you may be shocked by how much you do it) and instead focus immediately on the solutions.  Oh and if you are watching the playoffs and your team is losing, quit complaining about the coach; the players and the refs, and simply sit back and remember the team that believes to win, wins, despite any obstacles!

Win in life…

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On the Job Leadership Learning for Beginners

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leadership trainingAt the age of 16, I was discouraged with the focus of many of my peers and in somewhat of a slump. As a solution, I decided to set my focus on planning a Russian School graduation ball. I did not realize that this would be one of the most formative experiences of my youth. A group of eleven Russian School graduates embarked on this project with me. Together, we planned a ball for 200 attendees, prepared talents to perform and refined a choreographed Waltz which was (almost) perfection. (Okay, maybe not perfection; we were 16 after all.)

To fundraise for this daunting project we needed to establish and create: community dances, an espresso stand, baked goods and hand crafted jewelry. As the assigned leader for this task, I was thrilled to be in charge. In my teenage mind, this unfortunately meant that now I have control over 11 peers and can exercise it to my heart’s content.

There is a danger in taking on a leadership role without the proper humility.  My group was creating a graduation for themselves, not me. No one wants a leader, boss, project manager or director who is taking advantage of their group. They want a parental figure that they are comfortable enough to seek advice from, but yearning to impress.

Here are some tips that I learned through this leadership position:

1.      Do not put the blame on anyone (yourself or others.) If you put it on yourself, you will feel guilty and your group will feel like they can blame you as well. Blaming someone else can be problematic because it may just be your perception. Address the problem as a separate entity and keep things objective.

2.      Never single a group member out. This may sound like the first point, but it differs because this refers to singling a group member out in general (blame or praise, good or bad). If someone makes a mistake or does something well, I found it is more productive to approach this privately. Doing this keeps a strong personal connection with each group member, making each individual feel important and comfortable.

3.      You’re not the only leader. Being in a position of authority, it may be tempting to think that all the weight is on your shoulders. At the same time, it can trick you into feeling that you are entitled to the authority. Yet, the group that you are in charge of is leading you. This is true in any group setting. Without the other people, you would be leading yourself. With community, you are strengthened – so thank your group members.

4.      Be a calm optimist. Another mistake that I made was a façade of positivity: everything was cheery, blissful and the event would be perfect. While it is important to have hope, it is important to see clearly and calmly what the outcome could be. By doing this, you can address any outstanding issues.

5.      Instill an entrepreneurial spirit in your group. You can assign your group various, tedious, menial tasks and take all the glory. However, this will not create a beautiful finished project. What is important is to instill hope and an image of the grandeur that the group is working towards. This keeps the group going- hope, not domination.

There are many methods to being a successful leader and it is important to keep in mind that each situation can be very individual. However, I have found these lessons to be helpful in many areas of my life. What I would like to instill more than anything: every single person leads and inspires in a different way, but it requires effort and initiative to cultivate this quality.

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Wishful Thinking?

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stock-footage-hd-of-five-birthday-candles-on-a-cupcake  I wish I lived in a warmer climate.  I wish I had more money to do the things I want to do.  I wish I had a better relationship with my family.  I wish, I wish, I wish…  The vast majority of people, it seems, are always wishing for something they don’t have presently.  Question:  Did you win the lottery?  Answer:  I wish.  This whole “wishing thing” seemed to begin in childhood.  Here comes my birthday cake with five candles on top.  “Now blow out your candles Tony and make a wish,” says Momma.  So, I dutifully blow out all five candles (with a mixture of air and slobber) and say something inside like, I wish I had a new bike and then get back to the ‘real’ business of opening gifts.

When we don’t like something someone says we exclaim, “I wish you wouldn’t speak to me that way!”  We are a generation of wishers, wishing away our lives with wishful thinking, wishing we had something that we don’t have now.  Is there really anything wrong with wanting something we don’t have right now?  I don’t think so or how else would any of us get anything new or do anything different?  The problem isn’t our desires necessarily, but the mode in which we approach those desires.  (I wish I had a sandwich ;-) ) Too bad that genie from The Secret won’t show up and grant me those three wishes! LOL  Have you ever looked up the word wish in the dictionary?

Wish  /wiSH/ Verb - Feel or express a strong desire or hope for something that is not easily attainable; want something that cannot or probably will not happen.

Wow, I know, right?  By definition to wish is to 1.) acknowledge that the thing you want will be hard to attain and 2.) that it either CANNOT or PROBABLY will not happen. And, if this isn’t too much of a stretch, when you use the verb “wish” what you are really saying is that chances are you will most likely NOT get what you want!  (Oh I know, I wish it was otherwise…ha)  My Dad used to say, “Wish in one hand and sh** in the other and see which gets filled up first!”  He denies this of course, but hidden in that rather offensive analogy is a gem of truth.  Those things you are wishing away your life on are not going to happen, that is unless you blend those idle wishes with something impactful like believing.

Believing is a marvelous thing, but I think often lost in the emotional charge of the word.  When you say the word “believe,” people’s mind shift over to larger issues like belief in God or a belief in life after death.  However, believing is something you and I do every day of our lives.  You believe the alarm clock is going to go off at 6:30 a.m.  And if you doubt that, you also set your phone alarm and maybe your watch.  You believe at least one of them will go off.  You believe that you are going to wake up.  You believe that you will get in your car and that it will start.  You believe that when you get to work your employer will still be at the same location and that you will still have your job.  You believe the freeway will be there and that they haven’t shifted the freeways around overnight (thanks Dane Cook).  You believe for good things to happen and you believe for bad things to happen (fear).  So because you “wish” I wouldn’t keep using that word, I will use another one that means essentially the same thing – CERTAINTY!

Certainty by definition means a firm conviction that something is the case.  Now, ask yourself, what things are you certain of?  That is what you believe.  Oprah called it, “Things I know for sure.”  Your life at the present moment is a collection of those things you know for sure.  The things that you are certain of aren’t necessarily true, but they are true for you.  And because they are true for you, your life is a direct reflection of all those things (not everything…those things).  So, before you can really make any meaningful changes or see any real results, you must work with yourself to become certain about the things you desire.  Wishing aint gonna cut it!  No-one achieves anything in life by wishing it would happen.  Just the opposite occurs or nothing happens.  Certainty is something you have down at your core.  It’s not fleeting.  It’s not here today, gone tomorrow.  It’s something you just know!  If you can get your mind there, something is going to happen; something is going to change!

This ol’ life is way too short to spend it away on wishful thinking.  Change your impossibilities and improbabilities over to possibilities and probabilities.  Don’t work yourself to the bone or pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.  No, instead line your thinking up in harmony with what you desire for your life and hold that image in your mind until it changes from a possibility over to a certainty!

What do I know for sure?  I know that you can move to San Diego with plenty of money enjoying a great relationship with your family, if you will just become certain that it is going to happen!  Now!
I wish…  Nah, I know!
Just some good thoughts…
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How to Get What You Want, Now!

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believe  How many books have been written that purport to tell you how you can use the “power of your mind” to get something that you need?  It’s an alluring concept for sure, but one that simply isn’t true.  There is no power of the mind other than the power to choose what you will.  I know, I know, this idea runs cross purposes with many famous works such as, “Awakening The Giant Within,” but suspend your disagreement for a little bit and allow me to explain what I mean.

There’s a verse in the Bible that states, as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.  (Read that sentence again!)  There’s another one that states, guard your heart with all that you are because out of your heart flows the issues of your life.  Those words have been there for years, but what do they even really mean?  Well, those things we believe in the depths of our heart to be true, shape and form our existence today.  And, by the power of choosing what we will think about, we can guard the heart of our minds; the place where our believing expectation comes from.  Believing expectation forms the essence of our lives.  What we believe to be true will come true if we really believe it.  In fact, your life at this very moment is a direct reflection of those thoughts and beliefs you hold about yourself most dearly.  It is 100% accurate in every way.  Remember it is not what you wish you were or would like to be, but what you truly are at this moment in time.  It is a system that never errs in any way.  God wouldn’t have told us to guard our hearts with all that we are if what we believe in our hearts did not have a dramatic impact on the life we are living.  So, if you think about, believing is not the power of your mind, but rather your connection to All-Power.  However, I must add a caution, believing works with tremendous accuracy for positive and negative thinking alike.  What you fear is also believing; believing that connects you to a different power; one that brings about frustration and defeat.  Negative believing (fear) leads assuredly to negative results also with 100% accuracy.

So, how can you learn to believe for good?  Well, in actuality you are believing something all of the time.  However, most people become so frustrated with life because they believe in accordance with what they think they see and not in accordance with what they want.  For example, the media, your neighbors, your family, financial analysts tell you it is a “bad economy!”  And, it is difficult to get a job in a bad economy.  So, unknowingly, you believe what they said and thus have a hard time getting a job.  After all, it’s a bad economy.  You are believing something that is not necessarily true and limiting yourself in the process.  That belief is not true because what you truly believe to receive, you will receive 100% of the time, in every case.  Imagine, there are many people who are not only NOT suffering in the “bad economy” but are actually prospering.  Why?  They have chosen to believe otherwise.  Can you see it?  You cannot allow present circumstances or conditions to affect what you believe or else you give your power (your ability to choose) over to something else.  And, you will never, ever be able to change your present circumstances as long as you keep doing that.  So, ummm stop it!

So, when is the right time to believe?  The right time, is right now!  Well, when do you want to get the “things” that you want?  Right now or five years from now?  The reason so many things seem to take so long to come to pass is because we are not believing for them to happen right now.  Logically if you imagine your life being full of abundance and peace and love at some future date, it is not going to happen right now.  (Read that again!)  Ask yourself, why does so much time need to go by before I get what I really want?  Good things take a lot of time to happen?  Says who?  Says you!  And thus it is true for you!  If you can wrap your mind around that concept, things can transform in your life, in a hurry.  In order to get what you want in life, you have to see it happening in your mind, right now.  Thus believing (true believing, not wishing) is seeing the result you want in your mind first before it happens in your reality.  Wishing, on the other hand, is always in the future and you cannot live in the future, so it is a futile effort.  And if we are honest, we don’t really believe the things we wish would happen are going to happen, that’s why we continue to “wish” they would!

Believing is therefore seeing your intended result in your mind’s eye first and then holding that image there despite what the whole world tells you to the contrary!  Believing for good things in your life is not going to come without opposition.  In fact, the larger your believing for good things, the more contrary “facts” will show up to talk you out of what you believe.  God forbid you ever learn how much control you really do have over your life, if you only knew it (he says sarcastically)!  Your job and my job therefore, is to not allow the world, the circumstances, the conditions, our limited and finite thinking, to talk us out of the things we really want.

Believing is almost magical.   By believing you can be healed of ANY disease.  By believing you can receive tremendous financial abundance.  By believing you can find the answer to every question and repair anything that was ever broken.  By believing you can transform your life from mundane to dynamic; from so-so to oh-so; from ordinary to extraordinary!

Get what you want out of your life now, folks.  Don’t spend any time trying to awaken the giant within you, instead believe wholeheartedly to tap into the greatest power in the universe, God’s power for good!  God is for it!  I am for it!  Now it’s time for you to be for it!  Get it and get it now!

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As the Seasons Change

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This morning I stepped outside and I knew that summer was on my doorstep. The wind relaxes a little and that early morning chill is slightly less alarming.  Although we are still just beginning spring, summer, at least- in San Diego is making a slow entrance.

One of the many glories of summertime

One of the many glories of summertime

 

As the change of seasons is inevitable, so is all change in this world. We are going to mature, find a new hobby, become more capable, etc. Perhaps we need goals to guide us, or perhaps we need to set our own trend. Just as summer entices us to eat the glowing peaches and nectarines, it is time to entice others to accept this change.

And, why can’t we be like Summer, blowing everyone away with our subtle warmth? In other words, we can be our own trend-setters. Whether it be leading someone towards truth, happiness, or anything else that is good? Any change that works toward preserving the genuine nature of something, is worth dedication.

Sincerely,

Trend-settaaa

 

 

The Simple Joy of Living…Today

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living-in-the-present   Think back to the last time you were on vacation.  Whether it was lounging on a sandy beach or taking in the gorgeous views during a mountain hike or languishing in your hotel room in a beautiful city or the smell of bacon frying in the morning while camping by the side of the lake; what makes your vacation time so much better than the rest of your time?  You may argue that it is so sublime because you don’t have to go to work.  But many folks exert as much energy playing as they do at work and sometimes more energy.

You may conclude that it is the change of environment; the sand, the trail, the room, the water etc.  Certainly there are many factors involved with vacations that cause us to feel joyful, but there is one common theme that is the subject of today’s blog.  On a vacation intended for relaxation we shift our focus from the past and the future to the wonderful present.  We purposefully don’t think about the bills that “will” be due or the work we need to finish later or what the boss said to us in anger last week.  No, we make some loose plans and then get busying enjoying the wonder and beauty that is today.  It is as if we free ourselves from all the illusory burdens of time and focus ourselves on “right now!”  And since right now is all we can experience, we decide to thoroughly enjoy it.

There is a way to live your life that escapes the thinking of the masses.  There’s a way to make the most of your experiences.  There is a simplicity to life that is so simple we have missed it all our lives.  The culture of our world is ever seeking ways for us to move faster, get more done, accomplish more and maximize our time.  We laud multi-tasking and efficiency and “to get err done…”  Just do it and do it and do it again is the mindset of today.  And for all of our inventions and efficiencies and time savers, where has it gotten us?  Are we happier?  Are we joyful?  Do we feel blessed and content?  I would say no.  Yet it’s not the speed at which we move that bogs us down.  It’s where we have learned to put the focus of our minds.

Humans are designed to live in one time period and one time period only – right now!  The only time we have available to us is this present moment.  Yet how much time do we spend focused on the present moment?  While we are at work today we focus on getting home.  During the week we focus on the upcoming weekend.  During the work year we  focus on the coming vacation.  While we are at school we are thinking about being done with school.  While cleaning the house we are thinking about how great it will be to sit down and relax after the house is clean.  But the real joy of living is found in 100% commitment to the present moment.  It is persisting in a state of experiencing and enjoying right now.  If the duties of right now call for some house cleaning, so be it.  If it’s time to go to work, go to work and be 100% involved in your work while you are there.  Don’t spend one idle moment wishing you were off work as that shift of focus will make your work a misery.  What is the best way to experience school?  Don’t mentally leave the classroom before you physically leave the classroom.  In fact, don’t mentally leave any moment you are still in, as departing from the present moment takes the enjoyment out of it.

Interestingly, the vast majority of our concerns and our anxieties and our fears are found where?  In the future!  Unless a large tiger is currently gnawing on your calf muscle, you probably don’t have anything to be afraid of right at this moment, correct?  So do this moment and refuse to do the future moments.  Can’t you see how huge and life changing this is?  Uh huh, but what about the future?  Am I supposed to just let everything go now and make no plans for the future?  Well of course not, silly!  Make the most grand and glorious plans that you can, then do today, today!  Maybe in your future you see yourself as an author?  Then take some time to write today (smile)…

And what about the past?  How do we handle all of those times we zigged when we should have zagged?  Or that one big thing?  Well, the past is ummm past…  We can’t go back to those moments, can we?  Shoot we can’t even go back to fifteen minutes ago when we were eating those three donuts, to not eat them, right?  LOL  In reality, the past no longer exists.  It’s gone man!  Over.. In the books!  Thus imagine the sheer FUTILITY (yelling now) of spending any of your present moments regretting your past moments.  Sure, encourage your sweet memories; your times of love and success and appreciation, remember the people you cherished, but do it while you are wholeheartedly choosing to live today.

I realize the simplicity of this is almost too much to take.  But if you have ever believed anything I have ever said, believe this; living 100% in the present moments will cause your “joy” and “appreciation” levels to go off the chart!  And while you are seriously giving this a try, take a look at your children or your grandchildren.  Notice the joy they experience by living in the moment?  Oh they don’t have to pay bills?  LOL  Maybe not, but neither do you at this present moment!  (You are reading, right?)

So how can you thoroughly enjoy the simplicity of living life today?  Get your vacation mind-set working for you!  Decide to be fully alive and observant and mindful of these very moments you find yourself in.  Don’t go back in time and don’t go too far ahead in time.  Do, be, live, love and enjoy today, as tomorrow will have it’s own issues for you to deal with “tomorrow…”

Mmmm is that the smell of bacon by the campfire?  No, it’s the smell of many minds that just came back to life!

Today…

The Hero

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Light at the end of the tunnel

There is light at the end of the tunnel, but you usually have some digging to do.

“Hope  is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul – and sings the tunes  without the words – and never stops at all.” – Emily  Dickinson

Recently, I have had a few conversations about the increase in random, unexplained shootings.  This was because there was a shooting within less than a mile from my school campus. Imagine how these victims woke up as usual, had a conversation with their loved one, perhaps listened to their favorite song and then- nothing. Unfortunately, this phenomenon of unwarranted deaths breeds mistrust for the common stranger. Who knows if Sherrie with the two beagles and beaming smile is really as calm as she seems? Haven’t you heard what happened in Connecticut? There are tons of beagles there!

However, dear reader, now that I have introduced you to this unfortunate thought, I would like you to expel it. Instead: dream, dream, dream. Not for me, but for your children, neighbors, friends, parents, etc. This unseen evil is conquerable through strength, faith and hope.

Hope is the unbreakable vision of what is ahead; never ever take off your rose-colored glasses when looking down the hallway to hope’s door. Behind that door will always be a glimmer of something magnificent. In the darkest times, open that door with all your might, for it will only build your resilience. Cast that light into the darkest of shadows, since the change we usually seek we can create with our initiative and a whole lot of help from Above.

Although many have been affected by these shootings, there is a hero in every one of us. My hero is different than yours, but he is just as brawny and mighty and may or may not look like Apollo, Captain America and Robert Redford? Regardless- we tend to forget what strength, magnificence and beauty the human soul bears.

Therefore, it never hurts to remind yourself, or more importantly someone else as to what they are capable of.

- Elizabeth Kotar

 

 

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